I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
