Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
