I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
