I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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