Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
