if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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