how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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