seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
