can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
