You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
