My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
