my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
