I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
