3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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