I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
