I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
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