K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
