Yo dont text me then not text me
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
