So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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