awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
