Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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