My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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