my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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