He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
