omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I think my moral compass just broke
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
