a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
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