O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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