my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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