Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
