I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
