Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
