there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
