Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
