I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
