Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
