fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
