I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
