i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
