So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
