so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
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