In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
