stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
