Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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