The brown eye won't let me do that either.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
