If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
