I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
