Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
