All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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