dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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