booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
