I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
