If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
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