It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
it's great music for shaving your balls
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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