Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
