By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
