I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
