Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
